Because It's My Choice and Not Yours

Last night, I realized that I am a square peg in my very rounded hole and by hole I mean this world. For almost two years that I’ve been single, I’ve searched, waited and longed for love. And it eluded me ever so passionately. I’ve dated and met a lot of people over the past two years and yet, for some reason it just didn’t fit. I didn’t fit.

I’ve been in love before every so often. And while it is the most magical thing in the world, losing it is also the most tragic. It doesn’t matter how many San Miguel Light you drink with your friends or how many love stories you watch, or even how many times you go to bed with someone you hardly even know, I still go to bed every night wondering, going through every detail of how for a split second you made yourself believe that you’re happy loving someone who doesn’t love you back.

I woke up this morning depressed and in tears. Something I also could not explain. But this is not the first time it had happened to me. Usually during the “BER” months that I am single, I somehow get into this mode. And it just sucks!

And so I tried to put meaning to my tears. I asked myself why I was sad. Why in my semi-perfect life, good career, intact family, wonderful friends, the only thing missing is someone I could share the great things in my life with? Why is it that as you get older you raise your expectations and never settle for anything less that what you think you’re worth? And then I came to my senses; I stood up, cleaned the entire apartment, ate very late lunch and sat down to watch “The Holiday” for the nth time. And the answer came to me; you find love when you least expect it. You just do.

Today, I only allowed myself to cry for a few minutes because I needed it. I needed to get my frustration out in the open. Not because I wanted to but because at the end of the day it’s my choice to either sad or to be happy. And now, I chose to be happy. Why? Because, I can!


Love letters and idealisms by Noel Abelardo